March 13, 2009

Friday The 13th

Getting prepped for the International Comedy Festival, being held at the Comedy Castle in Royal Oak next week.

I hear there are 40 comics from all around the world. This should be fun, because over 100 comedians submitted their audition DVD's.  Nothing like testing yourself against the best.

I have a couple very good friends in this thing--Mike Bobbitt and Mike Malec--so it'll be awkward when I mop the floor with them.

I kid!

I love these guys. They're great friends and very funny comedians. And as I look at who else will be representing Detroit, I feel good that I'm a part of the festival. And it's always a good thing when Detroit gets a little notoriety. I'm in the Best Of Detroit category on March 19.

Dave Moroz and Aspen Talent are putting on the festival in conjunction with Mark Ridley, so you know the quality of comedy will be high. I hope I don't let down my people. Seriously. I haven't sweated a regular show in years, but this is different. The entry judges have already said they think you're one of the funniest comics, so the pressure is on to deliver. No time for mistakes or rookie jitters. Get your ass out there, bring the funny, and bring it hard. That's the way these things work. The night I'm on features ten other comics, so you don't get a whole lot of time to get to know the audience, set the tone, whatever. Gotta hit the stage with the guns blazing.

I have a couple surprises up my sleeve. This'll be fun...

February 2, 2009

Groundhog Day

First post of the new year. Whoopee. The groundhog saw his shadow today, so six more weeks of winter. No matter. I rather like winter. At least when it's cold and snowy. This winter has been nice. Snow up to our asses and consistent single-digit temperatures--colder than a Maxie's crowd with a rookie MC at the mic.  All good. And there is a certain something about Michigan's other kind of winter weather--that stark, 38-degree, damp, gray stuff. I've been thinking a lot about that kind of weather for some reason. I know it's coming. It always does. There's a certain, raw beauty to it. You can fight it if you want, but it doesn't do any good. I think it's better to look at it for what it is: A temporary stop on the road to better things. I don't know if it's the Newfoundland blood in me or what, but I seriously like standing in an open field and having that wind whip around me under a huge, gray, brooding expanse of sky. I'm the last guy in the world you'd call moody or pessimistic, so don't get the wrong idea. I think I like it because it really doesn't get any worse. And if it can't get any worse, and you're still standing under it, and you've still got your wits and your good humor about you, then everything's going to be okay.

December 26, 2008

Year-end. Just two more shows left in 2008. So far I've done 104. One-Hundred-And-Four. That's 30 less than last year. I don't know if I'm happy about that or not. This year started strangely and continued to be strange until about June, when I got my shit together and made a few, crucial changes. The year seemed to be marked with a lot of weird crowds. I felt like I was off-kilter most of the time. I have no idea why. I suspect it had something to do with changing my act and going down different comedic roads, taking more chances, etc. I seemed to have pissed off a lot of people, too. I was told I could never come back to the Cherry Hill Village Theater in Canton, Michigan. Evidently I offended quite a few audience members during a show I had there in September. I'm not sure how I feel about that, either. Conversely, I seem to be in demand in Canada and North Dakota. Clubs in those areas have asked to have me back ASAP. Go figure. Just two more shows left in the year. Luckily they're at The Comedy Room, my buddy Sal's place in Wyandotte, Michigan. I always like playing that room and hanging with Sal and Char. And I'm finishing out the year with another good guy on the bill--Derek Richards. My first paying gig was with Derek, and I will always be grateful for his advice and direction. Time to add to, polish and tune up the act.

May 13, 2008 

Minnesota was a frigging blast. Three shows, great crowds, and the new stuff was working. Clicking on all cylinders. Thanks to Mike Orensteen for booking me, and Sal “The Don of Comedy” Demilio for being such a great stage-mate. Sal’s a funny dude, and we played well off each other. Of course, no comedy weekend would be complete without at least a couple of weird things happening. After the Friday show, a couple of twenty-something girls wanted to hang and have drinks with us. Not weird...just very cool. And they wanted to show us their tattoos…in the club. One of them, Crystal, had a tramp-stamp, which was really sexy, but she told me the tattoo artist screwed it up, because it was supposed to be angel wings. But he did it upside down, so it looked like a giant moth. Fun night.

After the Saturday early show, the comment cards were collected—the ones where the crowd rates the comics, etc.—and both Sal and I were given 5 out of 5 in most cases. But there was an older couple up front who did not like me at all. The husband and wife duo spent 35 minutes staring at me with their arms crossed. I think I managed one chuckle out of these people. They rated Sal, and I quote: “Sal…very good.” Me? Here’s what they said: “Bob…very sick.” SICK?! Okay, a little off color, but not sick. Give me a break.

I'm not done. About 2 hours before I was to check out, a guy knocks on my door at 6:30 a.m. and wants to know if I have any coffee packets left for the coffee maker. Wha??? Before I could even put together a sentence as to why I think the guy is nuts, and why it would be a good idea if he got the hell away from my room, another guy comes running down the hallway screaming at the guy. They wind up wrestling each other to the floor while a chubby hotel security guard comes running off the elevator, screaming that that the police have been called. I'm standing in my doorway laughing my ass off at what was going on, and a woman comes out of the room next to mine with two little kids, sees what's happening, and runs back into her room, slamming the door. The security guy got the two idiots to calm down, and hustled them off to the stairs. I still don't know why the guy wanted my coffee packets.

Thanks, Minnesota, for the great, twisted, beautiful, weird weekend.

May 8, 2008

Just finished a couple of great shows at Joey's, and I'm looking forward to traveling to Minnesota for the MinneHaHa gigs. I needed to get back to what I love about comedy--the audience interaction--and knock the stench of the last few shows off me. Back in the saddle, baby! I need to get out of town, too. Sometimes you need to test your mettle with new clubs, other parts of the country, different attitudes, all that. I really dig the idea of making friends with a room full of complete strangers. Something intoxicating about that.  

May 1, 2008

Long timey, no bloggy. I guess I just didn't have much to say. I do now. I just finished a truly horrible set of shows last weekend. Two nights, three shows, and the largest crowd was 32 people. I hate small crowds, and I guess that has something to do with the fact that, as comedians, we all love the laughs, adoration and approval. Hard to get that from small crowds. But THESE crowds, holy shit. The worst. I normally do 30 minutes of material, and can stretch to 45 with some crowd work. But these cretins wouldn't let me get out more than ten minutes of jokes. Drunk, stupid and rude. Combat Comedy at it's worst. At one point I actually told the crowd I hated them. And I meant it. Several of the idiots actually flipped me off, and the game was on. I wanted to see how badly I could insult them without getting killed, so I called them a bunch of inbred, downriver, mullet-headed assholes. I finished my "Set" by putting the mic in the stand, wishing death upon them, and stalking off stage. I love show business. 

December 12, 2007

Thirteen days until Christmas. I haven't even started thinking about planning to think about possibly setting a time to think about shopping. I don't know. Normally I love Christmas. But I've been so busy with so many different projects, I haven't had time to get into the spirit of things. And frankly I'm sick of the whole "Happy Holidays" thing. What's wrong with just saying "Merry Christmas"? It is still Christmas, right? I mean, we haven't outlawed the actual holiday yet, have we? In the interest of pleasing everybody by switching over to the amorphous "Happy Holidays" thing, we've forgotten that most non-Christians really don't give a shit, anyway. Check out this article by Ben Stein, one of the funniest, most articulate comedic voices of our time. Stein is a true renaissance man, having appeared in a ton of movies, written several best selling books, and performed standup as well. The gist of his editorial is that--as a Jew--he is neither offended, nor put off in any way by someone wishing him a Merry Christmas. In fact, he rather enjoys it, because he sees what's behind it: A simple good wish. No religious arm-twisting, no call to conversion, etc. And I think back to my own experience just lately, when I wished a couple of Jewish friends of mine a Happy Hanukkah. They both responded, "Thank you. Same to you." Now, what was I going to say? "It's not my holiday, morons!" No. What I said was, "Thank you." Because, while I don't celebrate Hanukkah, I know it's important to them and their families, and it commemorates an event in which they feel God was really looking out for them. Their wishing me a Happy Hanukkah had only good connotations.

So let's lighten up a little bit here, all you hand-wringing liberals. Go hug a tree or save an owl or something. You're the ones making a big deal out of nothing. I will continue to wish those I meet a Merry Christmas, because that is what I hope for them and their families. I will wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah, and my Muslim friends a slow and painful death. I Kid! When Ramadan comes around again, I'll be the first to wish them a safe and happy Haj. And I'll bet you a crisp $100 bill that none of them will be offended.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

December 5, 2007

It's my youngest son's birthday today. His name is Max, and he's the best kid in the world. Never a problem, always good grades, and he shoots a mean game of pool. Today he turns 13. He's officially out of the "Child" category, and that kind of bums me out. It really seems like yesterday that I was waking up with him at 2:30 and 5:00 a.m. to give him his bottles. Now, I'm teaching him how to hold a cue and sink a bank shot. It's all fun, but I really miss the days when he would let me sing "The House At Pooh Corner" to him. I'm as big a softie as they come. It's hard for some people to realize that, given the venom I sometimes spew on stage. But I wish I could do it all over again, and not be in such a rush to see my kids grow up. I'm so incredibly proud of the young adults they've become, but I want to go back in time and push them on their swings again, while waiting for the ice cream man. I wish I could have just one more day with them on Mackinac Island, riding them around on the back of a rented bike. And I'd love to just one more time have Max on my shoulder at three a.m., walking him around his room while the lullabies played.

But no one ever gets those wishes. So I'm just going to wish you a happy birthday, little man. Don't let the world change who you are, or your dreams of what you want to become. Whatever comes, you know I'm here. Your old man is so proud of you, and I love you more than words can say.

November 27, 2007

So I'm talking to a comic friend today and he tells me there's a Chicago "Comic" who has accused me of stealing one of his jokes. I'm absolutely incensed by this. Number one, I've never taken another comic's joke, ever. Not only is it stealing, but it's probably the stupidest thing you can possibly do as a comic--to use someone else's bit. Number two, comedy is all about talking about your point of view, your take on life, and making it relatable and funny to an audience. Using someone else's material is completely anathema to that central tenet. And it is the lowest form of thievery. What made me so mad about this accuation is that I had just finished a weekend at the Comedy Room in Wyandotte, Michigan. During the Saturday show a guy bulled his way into doing a five minute guest set. No big deal. Comics will generally afford a few minutes for one of their own, so they can work out new material, try a new club, whatever. What followed, though, was five minutes of a guy doing everyone else's jokes. He even did a bit that was an almost verbatim version of a very good friend of mine's joke. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was so disgusted I couldn't even look at the guy when he got off stage. He had the good sense to leave the club after that. 

So I hear this news that this open micer in Chicago is accusing me of taking one of his bits. I know you're reading this, kid, so let me tell you plainly: Don't flatter yourself. If I was tortured into remembering whatever your "act" was all about, I still couldn't get a single funny thing to come to mind. And you've made a grave error in making that accusation. Joke stealing is for the likes of Carlos Mencia. And unless you have the balls of Joe Rogan to actually say what you said to my face, you better shut your mouth. Whatever I say on stage, I wrote. My ideas, my takes, my opinions. They may not all be gems, but the jokes--every single fucking one of them--are mine. Got that? Now, do the right thing, man up, and apologize.

November 18, 2007

I just finished a weekend at Chaplins in Clinton Township, Michigan. I love working there, with Laurie, Michelle, Jessie, Tammy, Stephanie and the rest of the gang. This weekend was pretty fun. Wild Bill Baur and Mike Brody were great to work with, and the crowds--except for a collection of inbred assholes at the Friday late show--were fun.

I did something I've never done before at the early Saturday show. I just winged it. Went completely off-script, went into the crowd, freaked out a couple of older ladies, and generally made a nuisance of myself. But it was the best time I've had in a long time. For me, comedy is just like every other performance art, in the sense that the more practiced and polished you become, the easier it looks to the audience. And that's kind of the trick. To become so good at what you do, that crowds think you're just thinking up stuff on the spot, even though you have a thousand jokes in your arsenal, and a thousand more comebacks and fallbacks for the times they don't work. But comedy is very different from other performance arts in one very important aspect: People can--and do--get angry with you, and will voice their displeasure openly and loudly. Think about it. Ever screamed during a play, "This thing sucks!"? Ever stomp out of a concert yelling, "Freebird blows!"? Probably not. It's just not done. But comics get this stuff all the time. Now, I've never been told I suck, or had anyone throw something at me, but I've slogged through 45 minutes of audience indifference. I've had my share of hecklers, "Talkers", bachelorette party queens and, of course, the drunks. What made this particular show special to me was that I seriously had no idea what the hell was going to come out of my mouth, and I didn't care. And the audience KNEW I didn't care, so there was this weird, symbiotic relationship for about 20 minutes, where I blathered on about all kinds of nonsense, insulting people, fully expecting to be crucified for it. But the audience dug it. Truth be told, some of the jokes I was throwing out weren't the greatest, and it was clear to everyone I was in uncharted territory. But the farther I went out on that cliff, the more the crowd responded. I didn't want it to end. The adrenaline pump was so intense, it took me a couple of hours to calm down. So I've decided that every once in a while, even though I like staying pretty close to script, I'm just going to go nuts and see what happens.

November 13, 2007

So, this is the new website. Waddya think? The last one was pretty heavy on political humor, my distaste for rabid Liberals, etc. Which is fine if you're a political commentator. But I'm a comedian. While I do have strong opinions on the political side of things, I guess I decided that what I really want to do is just make people laugh. There's plenty of humor in politics. I mean, how funny is it that Barack Obama actually thinks he has a chance? But I'm kind of tired of fighting the Conservative/Liberal battles. What I really want to do is connect more with the audience, ask more questions, find out what's on peoples' minds. In general, have more fun. Don't get me wrong...my only use for a "Hillary In '08" bumper sticker would be to wipe the bird shit off my windshield. I mean, a guy can have opinions, right? Right. And my opinion right now is that American politics is such a colossal mess, that I just want to leave all that to the people who really know what they're talking about. That would be exactly no one.  

November 8, 2007

The DVD is ready!  I have to say, there is nothing more nausea-inducing than having to watch yourself on screen during the editing process. I hate watching my own sets, anyway, and it's doubly difficult when I'm in a room with the editing guy, and he's even more sick of looking at it than I am. But it's done, and I never have to look at it again. But you can buy one! Christmas is coming up, and it makes a great stocking stuffer. Now it's on to writing more and different material so I can do another one this time next year. I'm so sick of the old jokes that my goal is to have them all retired, and a completely different set written by March 2008. That'll be good for everyone.

September 25, 2007

It's my daughter's birthday today. She turns 18 at 4:22 this afternoon. It's freaking me out. My baby girl is now an adult. She's a freshman at Western, and I just got over the trauma of dropping her off there a few weeks back, and now this. It really seems like yesterday that we were waiting on the corner for the ice cream man, and she'd ask me to put her on my shoulders so she could get a better look at the fireworks. Happy birthday, sweet pea. I love you more than life.

On another note, I just finished taping a new DVD. It was shot at Wise Guys on Friday, September 21, with my pal Connie Ettinger. Two of the best shows I've ever had, and I'm glad I captured the moment. I have to do a little editing, and add some bonus features, but it should be ready by November. It's called "My Neighbors Love Me."

May 22, 2007

Another big contest coming up. This time it's Aspen Talent's "Comedy Idol." I don't know. I have a love/hate relationship with contests. Last year I made it to the top four of the Comedy Survivor contest, and was happy to have placed that high. But the bottom line is, I didn't win. And with comics, because we all have fragile egos--trust me, we're not the ultra-confident masters of wit we may come off as on stage--losing a contest sucks. It doesn't matter that people liked your set, or that they laughed long and hard at your jokes. If you're not first, you're nothing. And that messes with your head. Suddenly all the carefully polished jokes, all the snappy one-liners seem like dreck. So I had to think about whether I wanted to put myself out there again, to put my fate in the hands of judges I've never met. But I'm gonna do it. Why? Because, while our egos are indeed fragile, they are also huge. That's the conundrum of comedy. How can people who profess to be basically insecure still come out night after night, risking ridicule in search of acceptance? Still haven't figured that one out.

January 21, 2007

First post of the new year. Aren't you thrilled? I know I am, because I feel lucky to be alive. I had pneumonia for the first time in my life, and I swear to God, I thought the jig was up. I've never felt so lousy. And it just went ON AND ON. Three solid weeks of that shit. I'm back in the saddle now, having just finished my first weekend at Connxtions, Lansing. What a great club. I worked with Kjell (Chell) Bjorgen and Mike Irwin. Great guys, and funny comics. The crowds were kind of small because we had crummy weather--ice, snow, etc. But they were lively and into the comedy vibe. I learn something about comedy every time I take the stage, whether it's a new club or one I've done a zillion times. What did I learn this weekend? This is what I learned: The more fun I have onstage, the more fun the audience will have. It sounds stupid, but it's true. There are times when I just want to get the show in my rearview mirror. And audiences pick up on that quickly, even if I'm doing a good job faking enthusiasm. If I'm REALLY enjoying myself and having fun with the show, the energy and audience interplay gets magnified exponentially. It's weird, because this is show business, but the more you reveal of your genuine self on stage, the more the audience will dig you.