January 1, 2006

What a blast at Cool Jerk's. Robbie Robster did a masterful job of lubing up the crowd, Phenecia Banks did her usual stellar performance, Mike Bobbit rocked 'em and socked 'em, and Crystal P. brought it home with a solid set.

Lots of fun bringing in the new year with such good, funny people.

Special note of thanks to my main man Robbie for emceeing. I'm sure there was at least a hundred other places your fiance would rather have been than in Waterford. You're the best, buddy.

January 5, 2006

Say what you will about GWB's policies, but no American president has ever taken the drubbing he has over things that go wrong in this country. According to the Liberal press--and Kanye West, another political genius-- everything is his fault, from Katrina, to violating everyone's civil liberties. Last time I checked, no one has been put in jail for criticizing him, or calling attention to the administration's mistakes. What people need to realize is that we are STILL AT WAR. The fact that Al Queda has been silent lately doesn't mean they've given up trying to KILL US. It means that our president, the CIA, the FBI, etc., are doing a good job keeping those assholes on the run. And if they need secret wiretaps to do it, then DO IT. Why does anyone give a shit if Mohammad, Achmed and Gus have their phones tapped? If they're up to something, they'll get caught. If they're just running their gas stations and 7-11's, no harm, no foul.

January 10, 2006

I watched Laci Peterson's mom promoting her new book on the Today Show. I felt really bad for her. Not just because of the loss of her daughter, but because she had to sit through fifteen minutes with the insufferable Katie Couric. Someone PLEASE explain to me how a woman with below average looks, less than marginal talent, and an obvious smugness can become the sweetheart of American television. But that's a topic for another day. What I really wanted to talk about is this:

If anyone still thinks racism doesn't exist in the country anymore, I have two words for you. Laci Peterson. Yes, her death was tragic, and Scott Peterson is the lowest form of human excrement for doing what he did to his wife and unborn son. But why did this story leave such an indelible imprint on the national psyche?  Because Laci was white and pretty, from the "Right" background. It scared the shit out of white America that this could happen to someone that looked like.....us.  24-7 national news coverage, round the clock updates on the trial, it all added up to an unprecedented level of media carnage.

I'm going to throw a name out at you. Marcia Jackson. Do you know her? Of course you don't. There's no reason for you to know her. Why? Because she was black.  And she went missing the same day Laci Peterson disappeared. Why don't we know who she was? Because here's how the news coverage of her story played out: In Philadelphia today, a black woman went missing. In other news....that fucking panda still can't get pregnant. Now here's Chuck with the weather. Disgusting.

January 15, 2006

Finished my first weekend of shows at Chaplin's.  I love that club. Great crowds, great comics and an excellent waitstaff. Thanks, Billy.

Kevin Zeoli and Greg Vaccarello were fun to hang with. Nice guys and funny comics.

January 18, 2006

So Walter Cronkie thinks we can't win in Iraq, and we need to pull out now. He actually said this yesterday. Someone needs to pull out his feeding tube. What an asshole. Since when did reading the news make one qualified to decide American policy?

The only thing more nausea-inducing than listening to this has-been news reader tell us how to fight a war, is listening to the Liberal weenies wax forth on Dan Rather's retirement. You would have thought Martin Luther King died all over again. This was a headline in the New York Times several months ago: What Will Dan Rather's Legacy Be? WHAT?! Did I miss something? He has a legacy? Excuse me, but Martin Luther King has a legacy. Ghandi has a legacy. Mother Theresa has a legacy. This idiot read the news FROM A TELEPROMPTER for twenty years. Make it stop, somebody. Please.

February 1, 2006

The Canadian Mist Comedy Challenge

Easily the wildest show I've ever done last night at Joey's. Bill Bushart, Robbie Robster, Melvin Bender, Kool-Aid, Tyron Foston, Frank G., Money Martez and myself went up against the craziest crowd I've ever seen. There was a gaggle of about 20 out-of-control ladies at the front tables,  led by one who called herself Margaret. Nice ladies, but they just would not shut the f--k up. One of them even spanked me, which, under the right circumstances, is something I rather enjoy.  My good friend Robbie Robster set that trend in motion by letting her spank him first. For real. I wound up having to take Margaret's drink from her. That crazy pool of estrogen interrupted every joke, stepped on every punchline, and generally made a nuisance of themselves, but it somehow worked out.  Big thanks to my buddy Kris for taping this show. I'm not sure I ever want to watch it.

February 6, 2006

Detroit, you did a splendid job on the Super Bowl. Who'da thunk it? I can't believe I'm saying this, but Kwame Kilpatrick actually did a good job when things came down to the wire.  As for the game, another snoozer. And that first Pittsburgh touchdown was no touchdown at all. Seattle should be hanging their heads in shame for letting this game get away.  As for me, I'm nursing a tequila hangover. Again.

February 10, 2006

The Olympics start tonight. I love the Olympics. Especially the Biathlon. This is the one where they ski and shoot at stuff in the woods. If you add drinking and fighting it would be like Christmas at my Uncle Ned's.

February 12, 2006

Just finished a weekend at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Novi. Great place. Great people, especially Mike Orensteen. Special thanks to Christy, too. Kind of a weird weekend, though. At the Friday early show some guy got plowed and passed out walking to the bathroom in the middle of Peter Berman's set. He bashed his nose on the corner of a table on the way down and bled all over the place. It took two of us to get him to his feet and over to a chair. His wife didn't seem to care much, because she was pretty polluted herself.  After about ten minutes of trying to get the guy's nose to stop bleeding, someone finally called a cab and got him and his disinterested wife out of there. I love show business.

February 16, 2006

In an interview yesterday Dick Cheney said accidentally shooting his friend in the face with a shotgun was "One of the worst days" of his life. One of the worst days. He later went on to say that the absolute worst day of his life was when he accidentally shot a neighborhood child in the face with a shotgun, then accidentally ate her liver.

February 25, 2006

Great show at the Holly Hotel last night. Great crowd...one of those nights when everything worked. Comedy is a bizarre business sometimes. Last night's set was one of the best shows I've ever had. Two weeks ago I did the same set, same timing, same everything, in front of a different crowd, and they sat on their hands for half an hour. Getting those people to laugh was like trying to drag a cat backwards from a drain pipe.

Keith Ruff is a funny guy. And a good guy. So is Jeff Ford. And the crowd was definitely into us last night. Two more shows tonight. I hope they go as well.

February 28, 2006

The Canadian Mist Comedy Challenge last night at Joey's was a blast. I made it into the finals! One of the funniest guys I know, and a great guy--Mike Stanley--also made the top two and will be moving on into the finals. There were so many funny people on the bill last night, particularly Sue Fracker and Matt McClowry, that  I really feel honored to be among the last few standing for the final competition. I've been to a lot of places, and been involved in a lot of comedy shows/events, and I can tell you that Michigan has THE BEST comedy scene anywhere. Hands down.

March 3, 2006

Vince Young, quarterback for the national champion Texas Longhorns, took the Wonderlic test the other day, which is part of the NFL scouting process. The Wonderlic test is a short, 50 question exam that takes about twelve minutes to complete, and is used to gauge basic intelligence. 50 is a perfect score, 22 is passing. Anything below 20 is considered failing.

Vince Young scored a 6. That's right.  A six.

Good Lord! You get a 5 just by writing your name! I'm not sure where he got that other point. Maybe he wrote his name really good. With consummate V's. I don't know. What I do know is that there are certain types of shellfish that can pull off at least a 9.  

This officially places Vince Young's intelligence somewhere between a mollusk....and algae.

But guess what, America? Say hello to your newest multi-millionaire! Because Vince can throw a football really good. He can't spell football, but that's beside the point.

You know what would happen if we were in a job interview and we pulled a 6 on the Wonderlic? They'd hand us a mop and say, "Try not to hurt yourself."

March 9, 2006

It was my birthday yesterday. I Googled my birthday and found out that no one really famous was born on that date. I was upset. Some people share their birthday with really cool, famous people. Me...Lynn Redgrave. She's not even the most famous Redgrave in her family. I did find out later in the day that a very funny, up and coming comic from Detroit--J. Chris Newberg--was born on March 8. I e-mailed him. He's a nice guy. But I'm sure he was as thrilled about us sharing a birthday as I was about Lynn Redgrave. We agreed to hoist a beer in each other's honor.

March 15, 2006

The immortal Johnny Cash once asked the musical question, "Can you hear the train a-comin'?"

Sadly, for Miss Deaf Texas, the answer is...no.

She was hit and killed by a train yesterday.

This story had tragedy written all over it. Turns out the conductor was Miss Blind Nebraska.

When I first heard this story, I thought they said Mos Deaf Texas got hit by a train.

I thought, Holy Shit! We lost another rapper.

March 30, 2006

I am Myspace crazed. I admit it. I can't get enough of it. Which is really weird, because I'm not 14, or a girl. It used to be that every comic had to have a website. And it cost us a lot of money to put our mugs up on the net. Now, this free, electronic square dance called Myspace comes along, and it's rendering the website damn near obsolete.

I'm amazed at how fast I got sucked into the Myspace haze. Who's your friend? Who do you want as a friend? In who's Top Eight am I? This is ridiculous. It's Junior High all over again. But I'm addicted to the unbelievably quick communications and connections between people from all over the country who share comedy as either a means to make a living or just a hobby. I had a conversation with Joan Rivers the other day. No shit. Yeah, I know, there are lots of fake Myspace sites out there purporting to be celebrities. But this was the real Joan Rivers. I know because she shared information with me about Melissa, that only she and I would know. Something about a mole on her thigh...

Anyway, my advice to anyone who wants to set up their very own Myspace site: Don't do it. It's electronic crack. It will suck you dry of both your free time and your dignity.

May 1, 2006

I have nothing to say. I can't believe it, but I really have NOTHING to say. An entire month has gone by since I posted anything here, and...zip. I got nothing. Here's an idea. How about you go to my Guestbook, and post something about what you'd like me to say. And I'll talk about it. I'll be your monkey. Now go. Post.  

May 8, 2006

Just finished a show at Maxie's in Flint. Kind of an odd place to sling jokes. It's a restaurant/bar that puts on a free comedy night every Sunday night. Free for the patrons, that is. I get paid, which is cool, because it's an hour's drive. This is the second time I've played Maxie's, and I have to say I dreaded the first time because so many fellow comics told me the place can be rough on comedians. The first time I had a good show, and the crowd was into it. This last show was even better. I got paid before I even went on stage, and I got to work with Chas Elstner, one of the truly nice guys in comedy. And funny. And I had one of my best shows ever. Not a bad Sunday at all.  Connie Ettinger books me at this room, and I'm exceedingly grateful for her continued confidence in me. Great lady.

May 14, 2006

What a weekend! Five sold-out shows at Chaplins...I got to open for Frank Caliendo! Yay me! Caliendo's a decent enough guy, not very talkative, kind of kept to himself most of the time. Whatever. I had a blast with my buddy Mike Malec and my new friend Jamie Blanchard. Jamie's a comic from Minnesota. Funny guy. I drank way too much, had one bad set out of five, and laughed my ass off most of the time. This is why I got into comedy in the first place. To make big crowds laugh, make good friends, and have a few stories. And Chaplins is the best club around. Great atmosphere, and a damn fine group of people. From Stephanie in the ticket office to Margie, Jessie and Dan behind the bar, Tammy and Lorie looking fine on the floor...great place. And Billy, the owner. He scares the shit out of most comics. On the surface this guy is the biggest ball-buster I've ever met, but underneath, he's a prince. He looks out for his people and runs a damn fine club. Good times.

June 9, 2006

Yes! Zarqawi bought the farm yesterday. The only thing that made me happier than hearing we found, bombed and killed the son of a bitch, was hearing he was still alive when U.S forces showed up. Apparently he mumbled something and tried to get off the stretcher. Kind of hard to do when your ass has been blown off. I am LOVING the idea that the last thing he saw was a U.S. Marine standing over him, going, "How you like me now, M----------r?"

July 10, 2006

I'm getting geared up for the semifinals of the Michigan Comedy Competition. I had one of my best sets ever at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Out of sixteen contestants I placed second.  Now I'm swimming in deep water, because I'll be competing in the "Closer" or Headliner category. Some of the people I'm competing against are friends I admire. People who have taught me a lot since I started in this crazy business. And they're all funny as hell. Like Bill Bushart, Chrissy Burns, Sue Fracker and Steve Bills. Great comics and great people. I wonder if they'll still be my friends, after I grind them into dust on stage. Ah, yes. Humility. It's for losers.

August 2, 2006

On to the Finals! I'm still coming down from last night. And it wasn't just too many Stoli & Red Bulls. I won the damned Semifinals in the Michigan Comedy Competition. First there were 24. Now there are 4. That's it. Just four other comics competing for $1,000 and the chance to get their DVD seen by the Tonight Show's talent booker.

I feel incredibly fortunate to be in this position, because the comics I went up against last night ar all very funny, good people. I've been in more than a few of these contests. I've won some, lost some, and completely ate it in others. I guess the stars were out for me last night. Let's see if there's a little pixie dust left over for the Finals.

August 4, 2006

I lost. Melvin Bender rocked the joint, followed by the high energy and hilarious Bill Bushart. Then me. I had a really good set tonight, but Melvin had a great set. Enough said. Bill was funny, as always, as was Mike Malec, who followed me. It was a hell of a lot of fun competing with people--friends--I respect. Onward. There is no crying in comedy.

August 17, 2006

Getting ready for Chaplins, one of my favorite clubs. I'm really looking forward to working with my friend, Sal Demilio, and Bill Hildebrand, with whom I've never worked. Trying some new stuff tonight, on the way to building another 30-minute set. This is always the hard, but exhilirating part of comedy...trying out the new stuff. I have a joke about a chicken hole I want to try. That's right. A chicken hole. I'll let you know how it goes.

September 25, 2006

Strange days. Hugo Chavez calls Bush the devil, and Nancy Pelosi actually comes to Bush's defense. So did some other whiny Democrat, but I can't remember his name now. I think it rhymed with Vagisil. Whatever. Nice to see that even pain-in-the-ass hypocrites like Pelosi can step up when  some foreign tyrant/lunatic takes a slap at POTUS.

But enough of political comedy. Here's what I've been up to in the last several weeks.

Opened the new Wise Guys at Portofino. Lots of fun. I was just emceeing this gig. My funny friend Phenecia Banks featured that weekend, and the headliner was a new friend, the very funny Steve Iott. The first joke ever told at the new Wise Guys? A Jon Benet Ramsey joke, told by yours truly. But it was tasteful, as far as Jon Benet Ramsey jokes go.

Had fun at the Jackson Comedy Club, doing some new material and meeting some new friends. Barb, the owner, is a great lady. Very friendly to comics and enthusiastic about getting the club going. John Face does a nice job as emcee, and the crowd was into it. 

But here's the most important thing about today: It's my daughter's birthday. Lauren is 17 today, and I'm so lucky she's my little girl. She's from another world, I think. She's telepathic, and funnier than I'll ever hope to be. I love you,  Sweet Pea.

October 22, 2006

Just finished my first weekend at the Komedy Korner in Windsor, Ontario. Big thanks to my pal Mike Bobbit for opening the door for me there. Mike's not just a funny guy, he's a stand-up standup.

Yes, the Komedy Korner spells comedy with a "K", which generally spells trouble for the funny. Think "Krazy Kids Komedy" or "Larry The Kable Guy". Okay, that was a bit of a stretch, but you get the drift. Leo Dufour, a very funny comic of considerable national exposure, and his lovely wife, Diane, run the Komedy Korner. This is the most laid-back club I've ever played, and the attitude spilled over to the audience, who really dug the show. Stoney is the house emcee and a great guy, and he gets the place revved up pretty good for showtime. Everyone I met, from the staff to the customers, was friendly and out for a good time. Thanks Leo and Diane. I'm Kompletely Krazy for the Komedy Korner.

October 30, 2006

I was at Wise Guys in Novi, Michigan, over the weekend. I wasn't there to perform, but to hang out at the Manhattan Club upstairs. Turns out Mike Green was headlining that night. If you've ever seen Mike, you know that he's an unbelievable performer. If you haven't seen Mike, you're missing one of the most talented guys in comedy. Anyway,  I wandered into the comedy club just in time to hear that one of the comics was having car trouble and couldn't make the show until much later. Karen, the room manager, asked if I'd fill in. Being a stage whore of the first order, I said BUT OF COURSE. Crystal P. was set to emcee the show and, being that she'd already been booked, I decided to give her the middle spot, and I'd do the emceeing. This show turned out to be a blast, because both Crystal and Mike are very funny, and it was  a Halloween party, and all the ladies were done up in their best Witch/Cat/Bunny-slut costumes. Beautiful. I love those costumes, because this is exactly what we men want you ladies to look like in the bedroom. You usually give us shit about it..."I don't want to look like a slut...I'm uncomfortable." But somehow, Halloween sets that little inner-tramp free. Throw in a few Jaeger-Bombs, and it was the Halloween Slut-Fest at Wise Guys.

God bless America.

December 8, 2006

So Michael Richards acts like a lunatic in L.A., and people are all pissed off at him. Okay. I get it. He must have screamed, "You're a nigger!" a hundred times during his tirade. To me, though, his biggest crime was assuming that his persona as Kramer would automatically make for a successful standup career. The truth is, he's not funny. He WAS funny when he had Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld writing lines for him to act out on the TV show. But standup is another animal entirely. He was completely unprepared to be heckled, instead thinking that because he was such a well known comic actor, people would automatically believe he's funny and laugh at his jokes. You gotta earn the laughs, baby. Your reputation might make the first minute a little less awkward, but you better bring the funny, and fast. Richards is a terrible standup comedian, because he's not a standup comedian. He was just winging it, and he paid for it big time when the two black guys in front heckled him for being unfunny. He deserved to be hooted down. But not because he said "Nigger." Every black comedian I know says nigger. And I don't give a shit if they call me "Cracker" all night long. Richards deserved his fate because he gave so little respect to his audience, didn't rehearse, didn't do the very basic stuff that standups do to entertain a crowd. He thought h could be "Edgy" by spewing nigger every five seconds, even trying to play it off like he was making some lame social commentary. There are a few white comics with enough street cred to pull that off. But not Richards. He's just an amateur, and I'm glad he got his balls kicked in.